By Ian Specter - Posted on 29 January 2013

Washington, DC - White house staff physician assistant Alicia Sphincton treated President Obama for facial abrasions and a split lip after his daily game of pick-up basketball held on the white house lawn court on Friday. Reports are that Sphincton dressed some minor scrapes on the president's forehead and bridge of nose as well as suturing his lower lip with two stitches. The medical treatment was done on site and no further procedures are expected. Sphincton was unavailable for comment, but White House Spokesanus Jay Carney fielded questions about the incident.

"This is nothing new for President Obama," Carney said, "He's got a little street ball in him and occasionally he'll sustain a minor injury depending on who he's playing and how heated the game becomes." Asked who the president was playing when the incident occurred, Carney was elusive but finally admitted that, in fact, the dust up occurred while the president was playing half court with vice president Joe Biden. "This was purely a stress reliever after several hectic days of Biden's committee on gun violence. The president invited Joe to 'take a load off' and hang with him for a game of B-Ball and a five course dinner served on gold plates."

A confused Mitt Romney tried to hone in on the action, but was dissuaded when informed the game would involve no revelations from a Salamander.

Carney was asked if this is the 'usual' outcome of one of President Obama's impromptu basketball games. "Actually, this is the first instance in four years in which the president has incurred injuries this serious." Carney was then asked if maybe the president shouldn't be involved in school yard horseplay like this, which seems unbecoming a presidential figure.

"Look," Carney countered, "the game was going fine until the trash talking started. The president was good naturedly ribbing the vice president by asking him if his hair plugs were harvested from his ass. I guess Joe took a little offense at this and quipped back at Barack about 'if Michelle's making roasted or poached leg of dog tonight with collard greens from the white house garden?’”

Queried as to when the president sustained the split lower lip, Carney finally came clean and stated that Biden gave the president a left elbow to the mouth as he was going up for a reverse layup. "I guess Joe had had enough when the president smack talked about how the exhumed corpse of Joe's late wife tasted like 'Honey Nut maggots.'"

MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow was the first to break the news that the last time something like this had happened was on August 28, 1963, at the Kennedy Compound at Hyannis Port, Massachusetts, when vice president Lyndon Baines Johnson volunteered to join in a game of ‘touch’ football in the backyard with the president and some Kennedy family and friends.

Maddow quoted unnamed sources as having seen Johnson (playing defensive right end to the president’s blind side) perform the first known ‘swim move’ on JFK’s pint sized left tackle, Robert Kennedy which led to a devastating sack and blow to the president’s head, forcing it back and to the left.”

In recently declassified taped phone conversations, LBJ chastised his left defensive end and JFK confidant, Rosey Grier, for the final shot to the head. Grier chimed back that had he actually been taught the ‘swim move’ by Johnson earlier in his career, "I could’ve stayed in the NFL five more years!”

Maddow then ominously warned President Obama to keep his “head on a swivel on the basketball court. You never know what these VPs are really up to. A stark reminder to you thirty-something neophytes that President Kennedy was dead within ninety days.Coincidence? Maybe. But, I’m not willing to take that chance Mr. President. And neither should you.”

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