THE WOMAN IN BLACK - Aka…Daniel Radcliffe and Dan Cedar Are Identical Twins Separated at Birth sticky icon

So after years of playing a teenaged dork in the Harry Potter movies, Daniel Radcliffe decides to spread his wings and become the protagonist in this "classic" horror movie. "Classic" in a gothic sense, with the obligatory "jump" scares and dim lighting that gives it that film noire feeling.

Sort of like when Dan Cedar invites you over to his house for a drink only to enter a completely dark living room...and the next thing you know, his goatee is pressed up into your crotch. YIKES!


(New Caney, TX) Independent-minded 11thgrader, Manny Horowitz, has decided to make a run for student council of Porter High School. Horowitz, bravely running as the first Libertarian in the history of New Caney has vowed to support Marijuana Recreation Day, take pork off of the school menu, take no money from Super PACS, and support outright anarchy.

SHERLOCK HOLMES - A GAME OF SHADOWS - Aka Sherlock and Watson: A Game of Homos…No Shit! sticky icon

Wasn't My Own Private Idaho’ andBrokeback Mountainenough? Now, instead of the Queer Nation's in-your-face, rub-your-nose-in-it blatant fag worship, we have to start watching this subliminal crap. So now we find out that Sherlock Holmes' brother is a queer; Sherlock is a cross dressing transvestite; and countless times we see Sherlock and Watson in full-fledged embraces and nose to nose contact. I'm sure the post Victorian era so openly embraced this kind of out-of-the-closet flamboyancy. Hey Guy Ritchie! Is all this really necessary? Is this why that no talent skank Madonna left your limey ass?

Actually, this movie is about out doing every other action flick before and after. In fact, the action is the sole point of this movie.

Old Dan Cedar’s Worst and Better Movies of 2011 sticky icon

Although Old Dan has missed a few movies…as we all do…one of those being The Artist which I won’t see unless I lose my ability to hear. There were metric tons of movie manure churned out during the 52 weeks of 2011… But a lot of really bad movies have been lauded as a tasty treat by critics far and wide. As an old friend of mine, Sonny Parsons, used to say, “Most of you don’t know shit from good-grade apple butter.” Now…I’m not too up on my southeast Texas colloquialisms…but, from where I sit…that’s about right. But, enough of my yakkin’…on to the 2011 Shit List.

THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN - Aka...The Original Indiana Jones meets Let There Be Blood sticky icon

So...after all these years of waiting; after the dreadful cartoon series; after foreign live action films. My childhood hero comes to life under the auspices of Messrs.’ Spielberg and Jackson.

I have to say that my expectations were high, what, with Spielberg and Jacksons' resumes.

And, of course, as with all facets of my life, I was sorely disappointed.

To the average plebian movie-goer, this was probably a very entertaining flick...A lot of people think that Tintin is just a "cartoon" - that he's just another Marvel or DC comic character...The thing is - I hold Tintin sacred...sacred.

The way a farmer looks at the earth and holds it sacred.

The way a Christian looks at the bible and holds it sacred.

The way Jews hold a kosher dog on a bun and holds it sacred.

The way some people hold marriage sacred…unlike Dan Cedar.

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO - Aka ..The Sound of Music II sticky icon

Ever wonder what happened to the von Trapp clan after they fled Austria and the Nazis? Apparently, they ended up in Sweden and not Switzerland after the war. And a more dysfunctional family they could not be... As the story reveals, a couple of the kids became Nazis, others businessmen, others lushes, and as the sordid story unfolds, a couple became sociopaths.

Which I find quite intoxicating for the male, but, oh, so shameful for the fairer sex.

The first of a trilogy by Swedish novelist Stieg Larsson originally titled Men Who Hate Women. Ironically enough, a close title of Dan Cedar's autobiography, Pussy Whipped Asshole Who Can't Live Without Women. And, to save the aforementioned Editor time and brain cells, King Hippo's autobiography, Men Who Hate Women, Men, AND Children – except for Helen Keller.

THE GUARD - Aka...Why We Watch sticky icon

YOU remember IT don’t you? Or maybe it was several ITS.

That moment or moments that made you realize that YOU were different. YOU weren’t the same as the rest of the dullards and dimwits that just didn’t get IT.

For your humble reviewer Old Dan Cedar there were several transformational moments. The first was January 6, 1947, while distracted from a meandering speech by Harry S. Truman blaring over my father’s Zenith 8H034 radio in my hometown of Mianus, Connecticut…I reached down and happily Christopher Columbused my little pecker…dreaming of my future as a Thomas Dewey Republican.

For King Hippo, my lifelong nemesis and future writing collaborator…it was June 2, 1982 when he realized that his chud-like facial appearance could be easily overcome with a $5 bill clumsily thrust in the spooge encrusted thong of a topless “dancer” wearing copious amounts of Chanel No.5, named “Star”, at Heartbreaker’s Gentlemen’s Club in Dickinson, Texas. With no extra charge for the cottage cheese mud flaps. And The King dreamt of a life-long romance.


(New York City) - In a stunning reversal of its decades long policy of publishing liberal propaganda, the New York Times announced to a hushed crowd of tens of people that it will begin to actually publish factual information in its hallowed columns, said long time publisher Arthur Ochs "Pinch" Sulzberger.

Queried as to the radical change in philosophy, Sulzberger muttered some incoherent shit about the Times' declining sales and readership and thus, needing to rethink its survival "the good old fashioned way," - with Tam O' Shanter capped ragamuffins patrolling every street corner screaming at the top of their lungs, "Extry! Extry! Read all about it!"

At this writing, Sulzberger was also mulling over an idea to send reporters out into the community "Jimmy Olsen" style to actually fete out news stories instead of kicking back in a high rise cubicle with their eyes glued to a computer screen scanning TMZ, YouTube, MSNBC, The Daily Kos, and NAMBLA affiliated porn sites for their up-to-the-minute headlines.

Sulzberger went on, "this is a conscious effort to return The Times to its conservative, Republican roots of its founders, Henry Jarvis Raymond and George Jones. In fact, The Times is ready to endorse Donald Trump if he re-enters the presidential race as a Whig."

TINKER, TAILOR, SOLDIER, SPY - Aka…Cine de Walmart sticky icon

This particular AMC 30 that had I vowed to never attend again - got my business because I was hamstrung by my limited choices for Tinker. Even tho there seemed a dearth of republicans in the vast gigaplex - I was able to find a white flight suburb within the walls of this, here british import-redux of John le Carré’s 1974 cold war, spy novel.

And I, for the first time since sitting through 2010’s The King’s Speech, felt like a mere pup amongst my fellow interested patrons…most born prior to Winston Churchill.

But let me tell you…the walk in from the parking lot was an adventure. While confidently packing my newly purchased 9mm Glock…I was only slightly fazed by the multiple offers to sell me crack cocaine, tamales and the monetary solicitations from the homeless loitering en masse in front of the AMC.

As I entered the AMC Cine de Walmart Treinta-Plex, my nasal passages were infiltrated with the aroma of cornbread and collard green farts wafting in the air.

MONEYBALL – Aka…Frank Costanza’s Stop-Short Move sticky icon

So, there’s this little trick that the Impossible Moviewriter’s Federation (IMF) doesn’t think we, the Impossible Moviewatcher’s Federation (IMF), are aware of…

The Mission IS NOT Impossible…it would NOT make for a good ending.

THEY just think that WE are Little Johnny Fuckfaces that don’t know any better.

So…Uncle Old Dan Cedar is going to give you a little IMF learning…just sit down on my new leather couch…be careful not to shard yourself. Didn't Scotch Guard her yet.

When watching a movie…the audience hopes the mission LOOKS impossible…but is actually only implausible. That would be the case in the case of a movie or series like, say…Mission Impossible.


RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES – Aka…Get Your Hands Off Me…You Damned Dirty Liberals sticky icon

So, I guess one shouldn’t try to find a CGI driven movie starring two of the worst, over-actors to grace our planet of Neanderthals since the great Rod Serling co-penned the original PLANET OF THE APES and the great Mr. Fred Rogers’ first episode aired in February of 1968; John Lithgow and James Franco should be two glow-in-the dark, neon red flags, right?

The apes, after apparently having seen our military’s impotence in Afghanistan and Iraq, figure, what the hell are the fucking humans gonna do to stop them…as the goddamn apes converge on the city of San Francisco.

The apes are all smarter than the current occupant of the White House and every other human. But the King of Idiot Mountain is James 'Fucking' Franco who is fittingly cast as the MOST IDIOTIC SCIENTIST IN THE WORLD. He is willing to give up the finest, non-infected piece of ass in San Francisco, Freida Pinto, so he can let the earth be destroyed for his love of a dumb, fucking ape that is out-acting his ass in every fucking frame of film.

A DANGEROUS METHOD – Aka…Keira Knightley Gets Mind Fucked sticky icon

Okalie Dokalie…We’re getting towards the end of 2011 which means, of course, that we are getting to the best movies of the year!!!

Now, just what does A Dangerous Method offer to the paying movie goer?

Psycho, Sexual, Sadism…check…good topic

Early 1900s…check…not too current. And thank God…not in the future

No CGI….check…nothing is really gonna happen…So why the fuck would we need computers? Of course…that didn’t stop the CGI histrionics in those god forsaken Sherlock Holmes movies and Three Musketeers remake from earlier this year.

Viggo Mortensen….check…this guy can win a Golden Globe for standing on a turd.

Keira Knightley…check…she’s hot and all, but…in this here movie she is described as a psycho-sexual mental patient…hmmm…ok…a bit suspicious…she can’t really act…she thinks she can…and I am in no mood to get cock teased for 90 minutes so that this chick can win an Oscar. But…the new Sundance Theatre downtown serves drinks and is a rumored great place to find swingers.

HUGO IN 3D – Aka…Scorsese’s Terms Of Endearment sticky icon

You might think that a guy Martin Scorsese’s age (69) and his number of marriages (5) that he might harken back to the loves of his life that have guided him from the Mean Streets of New York to the past three dozen years or so, when his constantly thickening eye glasses and congruently budding ear hair have made it inevitable that just one woman wouldn’t be able to handle all of this tweezering on her own.

Every guy's 3D dream is different.

Old Dan Cedar harkens to the day of playing catch with his pre-dead daddy in the park.

Or paraphrasing favorite lines from Stripes’ Sergeant Hulka- out of context.

Or more likely, creating an early 80’s MTV Molotov Cocktail of VJ Martha Quinn interspliced in 3D queef-humping with the slightly tore-up Axe Goddess Lita Ford.

THE HELP - Aka...And You Thought Nell Carter Was Fat sticky icon

It’s hard to believe that during the burgeoning civil rights movement…Gene Roddenberry was hurling the likes of James T. Kirk and Mr. Spock through the galaxy at warp speed on a space ship that was being serviced by an inter-galactic switchboard operator…the lovely Lietenant Uhura. This eventually led to the, now historical, first interracial kiss on American television between Kirk and Uhura.

This is where my space/time continuum begins to blur…let’s do the Time Warp, Again.

In The Help, we are transported back to the waning days of Jim Crow in segregated Mississippi where wealthy white folk treated blacks like complete shit with barely more than a whimper of bitching and complaining.

So, the crux of this here movie is how one of these debutante’s decides that her feminist, rebellious inclinations can be best utilized by gathering stories from the local, Fat-ASS maids that wait on every beckon call of their employers. Cooking their fried chicken, raising their babies and polishing their brass.

THE DEBT – Aka…Jessica Chastain Makes Wood sticky icon

It’s always sexual with you, huh? That’s what my wife, Bibs Detroit, says every time she reads my reviews.

Yah, mostly…but sometimes it’s about Jews or Nazis. Huh, maybe that’s because that accounts for 69 out of every 100 movies made in Hollywood.

69…That sounds like a good number when I am thinking of ways to work Jessica Chastain into a review. Like…I would eat her 69 ways to Sunday. I would cunningly spell out the alphabet with my tongue…however many times it takes to get to 69.

If I remember my geometry correctly…the answer is pi.

Anyway…The Debt is about Jews and Nazis.

Go figure...

Not my fucking fault, HONEY!!

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In The News


Wasilla, AK - Today, soon to be ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, announced more specifics on her puzzling decision to step down from her role as governor of Alaska.

Appearing at a press conference, that was ripe with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.