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SKYLINE - Aka...Déjà Shit All Over Again

By King Hippo - Posted on 23 December 2010

Haven't we seen this before? Wasn't it called Independence Day, District 9, Signs, War Of The Worlds, or some such? I thought that MAYBE this flick would have some unique twist, but, no, it's just another piece of shit comic book movie that relies on effects rather than story or storytelling.

Oh wait, it DOES have one piece of uniqueness to it - It has the most BLATANT "set up the sequel" ending that I have EVER seen in my life.

WTF!?!?! This is a MOVIE, not a TV series!!!!!!

Ya know, "back in the day" a certified turd such as this would have gone straight to video or pitched as a TV series. I guess the "current" strategy is to promote the shit out of it on TV, internet and movie previews in the hopes that enough morons, myself included, go to see it before the word gets out.

But, I know what you nitwits will say. Your little buddy Superman worked in comics, TV and the movies.

I should have known better, when, upon arriving at my local 48-plex, Skyline was showing on only one screen - and this was only the second weekend of its release. Fair Warning is not JUST a Van Halen album!!

So the movie opens up with our protagonist couple waking up to a bright light coming through the blinds of the bedroom of their celebrity friend's penthouse apartment. Of course, the boyfriend has to peek out and is instantly mesmerized by the white light - I guess it's like a train wreck - no matter how bad it is, you can't look away.

Kind of like my ear hair. Don’t tell me you aren’t staring!!

As he and another person in the apartment is drawn outside towards the light, flashback to "13 hours prior."

Remember watching Pulp Fiction? Did anyone need Tarantino to flash on the screen, "13 hours prior," or "24 hours later," or "at the same time the other scene was going on?" Are we fucking 7 years old? Can we not tell that if homeboy is being drawn over the railing by an alien light on top of a 25 story building and that if the next scene shows him yucking it up at the pool with his girlfriend and their friends, it obviously takes place prior? Has any one of you fucking fucks read a rhetorical paragraph? Consider your rhetorical paragraph cherry popped!!

Anyway, the aliens are either sucking up human bodies with the "light" or they're sending their marauding "Hulks" and "Things" to gather up humans who are hiding or won't look at the light.

Why are they doing this, you ask? Apparently “the mothership" needs human brains and brainstems to run their ships and make new "marauders." AGAIN, WTF!?!?!?! First, you tell me that one of the motherships is blown to dust by a nuke courtesy
of the USAF and within minutes, it's reconstructing itself and then tell me that it needs "planet earth" type HUMAN NEURONS?!?!?

HEY! How many of you reading this can make a self regenerating spaceship? WHAT? YOU CAN'T? HEY, IT ONLY TAKES HUMAN NERVOUS TISSUE - BREAK OUT THE STEM CELLS, GOMER!

So, let’s make an easy to follow parable for those folks that voted this current president into office.

Christopher Reeve falls off a horse. Gets paralyzed. Finds the largest group of unathletic, nit-witted humans on earth. Then sobs his way on to CSPAN (without the possibility of going to commercial). Then - breathing through some kind of $80,000 vacuum respiratory device, splurts out – “If ….(ugghhh)…. I could…(gulp)…just get the….(gasp)…..stem cells…(slurp)…from…(gulp)….all of our…(swallow)….congressmen’s brain stems – then…(gasp)…I may be able to….(gulp)…fly again!”

"I'LL BITE?!?!" Ya know, you see this statement in print and maybe in old Twilight Zone episodes from the 60's, but have you EVER heard anyone actually SAY IT in real life? Jesus H. Christ, do people still wear PANTALOONS?

Hmm, I thought it was a long shot, but sure enough - right there on the internet is Dan Cedar wearing a pair of pantaloons. My bad.

Oh, and how many times have you heard a middle aged white guy spurt out, “My bad”?

Looks like this is your lucky day, Superman! King Hippo’s stem cells have successfully transferred from this half-witted website to your brain stem. Now, as fast as a speeding bullet - get on the phone to your congressman and Michael J. Fox. Make sure you get the funding for stem cell development approved - before the gun-clinging,
bible thumpers take over “the mothership”.

The clock tower is a ticking and unless you or your little buddy Christopher Reeve can fly fast enough to turn back the hands of time…your future consists of Truth, Justice and the American way (circa 1955)!!

Oh, my bad, Mr. Reeve can’t make it?

Now bend over, grab ankles and relax – I have a Flux Capacitor Probe that I pulled out of my retrofitted DeLorean which can barely reach your brain stem. This is going to hurt me - more than it will hurt you.

Kind of like Skyline 2!

King Hippo

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