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MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD DEAD AT 50


By Ian Specter - Posted on 17 December 2013

(1963-2013)

(Anchorage, AK) I know what you’re thinking. The Guy in the Dos Equis commercials sure as hell looked older than 50. True Dat. Only, HE isn’t actually the most interesting man in the world.

The man that the world knew as King Hippo, the man who brazenly claimed to have genetic roots to all 7 continents of the world, has passed away.

Ding, Dong, The King is Dead.

Only two celebrities were scheduled to attend the memorial, Sir Elton John and Ron Burgundy.

Sir Elton John flew into Anchorage, Alaska this morning, where King Hippo’s body will lie in frozen state at The Ted Stevens Anchorage International Airport. Sir Elton was scheduled to attend the Nelson Mandela Memorial, but changed his plans at the last minute because the Mandela organizers wanted to have a fake deaf interpreter, in lieu of allowing Elton to re-arrange, yes, once again, his ‘Candle in the Wind’ shtick that he has been rolling out for the last forty years.

John’s writing partner for the two previous versions, Bernie Taupin, flatly refused to participate in writing the tribute to King Hippo, claiming that “King Hippo was nothing more than an insolent, obese, Eskimo homophobe. Oh, and Elton doing the lyrics…that should be a rollick. That guy couldn’t spell C-O-C-K if you spotted him the C-O-K.”

Sir Elton curtly responded to Taupin’s lambasting, saying “Now is not the time for sword fighting. Now is the time to honor one of the greatest sarcastic movie review writers of the past four years. A man of all continents. A man of all Seven Seas. A man that yes, was, part-mad, but whose insights into Paranormal 3-D’, were droll beyond imagination.

Let’s not forget that King Hippo was never a man satiated. He always stayed thirsty.

And as for human rights…King Hippo had fought the good fight every moment of his life against the racist hatred of the inbred Inuit people of the world. Did he Triumph?

Only history will tell, but THAT Man, That King of a Man, told me that he had written one letter a day for something like, 63 days in a row…a few years back. He didn’t know who actually owned Eskimo Pie Company, or whatever it’s called, but the point is…he wrote.

King Hippo, that hapless little Inuit, was pissed off and he wrote. If that doesn’t sum up the man’s life, then you’ll have to listen to my musical tribute. I will be paying homage, tonight, in Anchorage. But, I have to go now. My husband and I are finishing up the lyrics this afternoon over a couple of Apple-tinis.”

King Hippo had disappeared from the internet and to all of his known three friends. He had reportedly left a note on his front door that he was headed down to New Zealand and Antarctica before foraging the Amazon River on a never ending quest for Krill, his most favorite snack. He finally hit the mother lode when he got to Alaska.

The Alaskan Daily News had written several articles about a madman calling himself, ‘Gippopotam’, Russian for Hippo, that was buying up all of the Krill in Alaska and hording it for his own consumption. Much the way Colonel Kurtz did in Apocalypse Now. Hippo apparently gained over 500lbs in the final months of his life. His lifeless, nude body, was found lying in the semi-frozen tundra, which had been REALLY frozen prior to man-made global warming. But still, it was cold…The King was also surrounded by several bottles of narcotics. He had apparently tried to auto-erotically bring himself to orgasm by tying his genitals to a nearby tree limb.

The only other items found near him were his loyal, one-eyed bulldog…”Dog” and an incessantly meowing cat….”Taco” whom The King had bequeathed Dan Cedar some years back. The thankless Cedar dropped Taco on King Hippo’s doorstep three years later, saying that he just couldn’t take it anymore.

Taco had a note attached to her collar that said, “You’re an errand cat, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill”. ‘Dog’ was found licking The King’s testicles clean of peanut butter.

Mr. Burgundy arrived minutes after Sir Elton. KTUU Channel 2 Reporter, Dan Fiorucci, did a short interview with the Legendary TV Anchorman. Burgundy stated, “I heard that King Hipster was in a bad way. I had hoped to get here in time. I had a little covenant set up with Sarah Palin and her daughter to double team the King, and bring him out of his six month pansy funk. But, alas, my arrival was too late. BUT ALL IS NOT LOST ANCHORAGE. After a very short, cordial meeting with her husband, MRS. PALIN AND HER DAUGHTER WILL BE CASHING THAT CHECK AFTER ALL!!”

“So, I must go now, but I will be back for tonight to do a short jazz flute duet with GREATEST PIANO MASTER OF ALL TIME…SIR ELTON JOHN.”

“Remember…Anchor Man 2 opens on Wednesday…I have a massive erection.”

“And…Go Fuck Yourself Anchorage.”

Below are the lyrics to the song written by Sir Elton and his hubby. Elton sang this to a packed Anchorage Airport, where the crowds were estimated near triple digits. The huddled mass of King Hippo worshipers waved Bic Lighters and flip phones in unison. The song was one for the ages, simply entitled, 'Goodbye Inuit.'

“Goodbye Seven Seas

Though I never knew you at all

You had the face - to scare the bravest kid - while those around him ran.

While you watched bad movies

You didn’t really care at all

As long it had ginchy chicks – kind of flashing you

And when you wrote movie reviews

The press kept hounding you

Because all you had to say was you hated Jews

Chorus:

It seems to me that you lived your life

Like a Candle Inuit

Never knowing you were ranting

Some insane bullshit

I would have liked to have known you when you were just a kid

Restraining orders kept me away - from the school you had to attend.

Hermitting was tough

King Hippo was the toughest role you played

Sarcastic Movie Reviews created a superstar

And pain was the price you paid

Even when you died

Oh the press still hounded you

All the papers had to say

Was that King Hippo was found - tied up - jizzing nude.

And it seems to me that you lived your life

Like a candle Inuit

Never knowing - what to protest

But writing funny shit

And if it wasn’t for Dan Cedar’s over editing

It would be funnier than shit…in fact, more funnier than infinity legendary shit

You were just more than our King Hippo

Your inbred candle - burned out long before

Your legend ever did.

Sir Elton and Mr. Burgundy ended the show by playing a piano/jazz flute duo cover of ‘Freebird’

.

The houselights dimmed to end the song and when the lights emerged, there was not a dry eye in the Anchorage Airport. Although a smattering of drunken “Fuck You, Ron Burgundy!!” chants and throwing of fruit at the stage, was only stopped by the appearance of Sarah Palin and her daughter. Whatever her name is….

Mr. Burgundy appeared to have been over served by the barkeep, and was screaming…”SOME MEN ASK WHY,

WHY HEMINGWAY…WHY SHAKESPEARE…WHY KEROUAC?

I ASK, WHY NOT??!!! THOSE MEN COULDN’T HAVE TAKEN A SHIT ON KING HIPPO’S PORCH WITHOUT COMBUSTING BABY HERPES!!!!

GOD, WHY YOU HAVE FORSAKEN US???!!

THE GREATEST WRITER THAT EVER GRACED THE EARTH HAS DEPARTED.

THANK GOD THE GREATEST ANCHORMAN STILL LIVES!!!

Burgundy was escorted to his plane screaming, “My new movie opens Wednesday and don’t you forget that…You Cocksuckers in the 22nd row!!!

ANCHORMAN…ANCHORAGE!!!! GET IT!!??

THAT’S CALLED P.R. ALLITERATION…YOU HAPLESS RUBES!!!"

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