You are hereIn The News / APPLE’S iPancreas5 DELAY PROVES FATAL TO JOBS


By Ian Specter - Posted on 06 October 2011

(CUPERTINO, CA) The day after the disappointing release of the iPancreas 4S – Apple’s egomaniacal founder and CEO, Steve Jobs, succumbed to pancreatic cancer after a long, brave struggle.

The much ballyhooed iPancreas 5 was set to be released to try and save Jobs’ life via the wi-fi enabled device which was promised to cure cancer through iTunes.

Problems arose in the production of the iPancreas 5 when a large number of eight year-old children went on strike at the Apple sweatshop in the Shenzhen province of China where the product was being made. Jobs’ reportedly took a hard line approach in negotiations when he reportedly would not meet the kids’ demands for a 15 minute lunch break in their 12-hour day. Jobs reportedly said, “Let them eat yellow cake.”

But Charlie has apparently had the last laugh. The iPancreas5 will not be available until mid-2012.

The newly released iPancreas 4S does have a voice enabled function that allows the owner to ask, “Will my pancreatic cancer kill me today?” But the iPancreas 4S serves as little more than a high tech version of a Mattel’s Magic 8 Ball.

It has only three possible answers; “Signs point to yes”, “Better not tell you now”, and “Outlook not so good”.

The mood at Apple’s headquarters in Cupertino, California was, surprisingly, one of elation. Donald Dean, spokesperson for Apple said, “Mr. Jobs will be missed as was Thomas Edison and Henry Ford upon their passing. But luckily nobody will have to worry about hopping on an elevator with Mr. Jobs, anymore, and end up being fired by the time they reach their floor.”

“And even luckier still is the fact that we live in a great nation. The United States of America. Where there are thousands of greedy, workaholic assholes will undoubtedly line up to take Mr. Jobs’ place as a beatified Millionaire of American business.”

“The trick, as always,” continued Mr. Dean, “is to convince each subsequent generation of tree-hugging neo-hippies, that they should spend $500 every six months for some incremental improvement in whatever new hipster device Apple produces while discarding their old device in the nearest dumpster and proudly displaying their “Save the Earth” bumper sticker on their Hybrid of the Month as they drive away from said dumpster.”

Mr. Dean ended the hastily called press conference with, “I have to motor folks. Now, I must take my leave. The white smoke is about to be released from the Unitarian Church of Cupertino. WE HAVE A NEW CEO!!”

Directly after the press conference, displaying a self-deprecating humor not seen during his time on this earth, Mr. Jobs texted from his prototype iPhone 5, with his rigor mortised right index digit, “The reports of my life have been greatly exaggerated.”

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