Wasilla, AK – Today, Ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, announced more specifics on her puzzling decision to step down from her role as governor of Alaska.

Appearing at a press conference, that was rife with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.

Speaking frankly in her nasally, overly-earnest, sincere tone of voice that the country has become very familiar with over the past year, Palin explained, “Todd and I do have an ulterior motive in makin’ this decision now – as opposed to later. First of all, I’m not gettin’ any younger. One man’s cougar is another man’s white trash.”

“Three weeks ago I was approached by the head of Vivid entertainment’s Cougar division, Bill Fisher, and he seemed quite charmed at the thought of Todd and I breakin’ into the world of high-class porn.

An’ quite frankly, I have always wanted to ‘do the nasty’ with some quasi-celebrities on film before I lose my chance to parlay my 15 minutes of political stardom into a true “All American Sex Icon” that will be around as long as Elvis Presley or Marilyn Monroe.

I wanna be on a stamp, Darn it!!”

In her south Alaskan drawl, Palin continued, “I don’t have The AID or The HIV – an’ I’m not plannin’ on gettin’ it, but I’m not as pristine as one of them, thar bald eagles. I was a cheerleader in high school for goodness sakes!!”

“So gentlemen, as the great Pat Benatar said, ‘pull out those Master Blasters and hit me with your best shot’.”

After announcing the breaking news from New York, Shepard Smith – was sweaty, flustered and almost beside-himself with the giddiness of a 12 year old school girl.

Explaining, that between the ‘privilege’ to announce Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson’s deaths over the past week, this ‘was a most added-honor’ to publicize Ms. Palin’s declaration to become a porn star. The exceedingly dramatic Fox TV show host and Log Cabin Republican rhetorically wondered aloud, “Can things get any crazier than this, Geraldo?”

Geraldo, not realizing the true meaning of a ‘rhetorical question’, went on an eight minute diatribe about drugs, the economy and his newly stoked rumors questioning the health of another Charlie’s Angel alum - Kate Jackson.
Todd Palin, holding his youngest son and wearing a hoodie that read, I’m UP for DOWNS said, “My family and I will be on the set at all times - introducing the gentle fellas that want to screw my wife, prior to the act being consummated. This will show our true intentions of not letting the left-winged media disturb our family time.”

Centuries old Washington D. C. insider and spinster Helen Thomas asked Mrs. Palin, “Don’t you believe that this will hurt your credibility as a true front-runner for the 2012 GOP presidential nomination?”

Mrs. Palin, smiled, shook her head and responded, “This was a decision made by my family. All of you ol’ leftist, elitist guys and gals won’t dictate what is good for my family. I will say that this was not a unanimous decision by my family –
But little Trig broke the tie.” Trig then smiled, winked and gave a thumb’s-up.

“So, we all join Vivid as a family. An’ in some kinky little ol’ way, I want to just say how proud I am to welcome my new family member.

An’ I don’t want you silly nay sayer - media mogul-types pickin’ on my family. This, in no way, will affect my ability to run for President in 2012. “

Palin continued, “Three weeks ago, I had no intention of getting into the seedy underbelly of the porn industry, but with the recent deaths of Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson and Billy Mays, I realized that the time may be a comin’ when I would’ve missed out on a great number of marginal-celebrities to fornicate with before they all die off.”

The working title of the series suggested by John McCain is, “Screw my Veep, Please.”

Meanwhile, in Hollywood, casting agents were being besieged with requests from diverse assortment of Palin suitors’. Peter North, Steve Buscemi, Ginger Lynn, Warren Beatty and T. Boone Pickens have reportedly all expressed interest in being a part of the series.

For her part, Ms. Palin has bigger ideas. “Yep, ever since Todd and I hooked up that first Sony Beta – we have always considered our boudoir our own private Idaho – no pun intended,” she said giggling and turning her head slightly.

I have always wanted to be a Vivid Girl and you betcha - ever since I saw
An Officer and a Gentleman with that Richard Gere, I have wanted to have him to lift me up where I belong. And I was hopin’ it might be in one of those bedroom swing sets that I’ve seen in those great American magazines from the mainland.”

Mrs. Palin winked, smiled and threw back her hair as she continued, “I had always wanted to use my flowery, love tunnel as a metaphor for promoting America’s offshore drilling. And you’re darn tootin’ - the implied benefit would show that we all can reduce America’s dependence on that doggone foreign oil.

I really was hopin’ to rope that Steve McNair in as my co-star.
But, well fella, ya snooze, ya lose.

We wanted to show that both The African-Americans and The Real Americans could reach across the aisle – to come together.

Our workin’ title was, Pumping for Independence.

And I was really hopin’ that would have raised my poll numbers across long-standing partisan ethnic and party lines.”

Mrs. Palin then began sobbing and declined to continue to the press conference.