THE HURT LOCKER - Aka… I'm Really Getting Tired of These Mother Fuckin' Ragheads

Here's a little REALITY with your morning coffee and/or crank — you Appalachian Hillbilly Fucks…Congratulations on getting your dial up connected to Al Gore’s greatest invention…

A snapshot of several days in the lives of the military heroes who enable you cock sucking liberals the ability to burn flags, ban the military from schools/cities, and provide the freedom you have for your gay parades and hippie Woodstock festivals.

If you haven’t guessed by now — Yes, You Rube, King Hippo was raised in a racist, military, and yet, multi — racial family and thereby can claim the racial moral high ground. And yes, I can blame any of you un — closeted, hapless, post — racial fucks that are efforting to run this great country into the bowels of mother earth. And if given a half — ass Lee Harvey Oswald — type of opportunity…I will execute every mother fucking one of you!!

The Hurt Locker is probably the most realistic Iraq/Afghanistan war movie to date. Everything else — in typical Hollywood fashion — ends up being some liberal indictment of the war.

It manages to stay neutral and just present the facts. This is even more amazing coming from a woman director. She probably has a bigger love bump than Dan Cedar’s vasectomised man— clit. If I had an extra $100, I am quite sure that I could bed her.

This is the story of an explosive ordnance squad in Iraq whose thankless job is to find and disarm improvised explosive devices. It is called an (IED) — you worthless maggot — infested dopeheads who've just awoken from your 10 year ‘spirit quest’ after your mom opened your window to let the hashish cloud you've been sleeping under finally dissipate. Even if you move to the reservation in Arizona – you can’t have the hash be part of your ‘religion’, Pope Bong— A— Dick!!

The opening scene finds the boys, sans their team leader, after some camel jockey butcher uses his cell phone to detonate an IED close enough to Sgt Matt Thompson (Guy Pearce) to kill him. Sgt Thompson was required to physically walk up to the bomb because "number 5" (Short Circuit) dropped his douche bucket of C4 before it got close enough to safely detonate the IED.

Ok, the "mars robot" and subsequent toy trailer connected to it — looked like something "invented" by Homer Simpson. Really? I mean, a Wal—Mart Radio Flyer wagon hooked up to a radio controlled big wheel would have worked better than the piece of shit the Army provided. Probably, underfunded by some fucking Dems.

Which reminds me —I have a good Wal— Mart story, but I will get to that…

Anyway, the new team leader —Staff Sgt William James (Jeremy Renner) seems to either have a death wish or is an adrenaline junkie. Or, as Sgt JT Sanborn (Anthony Mackie) describes him: "just red neck trailer trash." Again, welcome to the world wide web, Gomer. How are things down at the fillin’ station?

The movie weaves in and out of various "disarming situations" in Baghdad and surrounding areas, including a scene where Sgt Sanborn gets to unleash a semi automatic .50 caliber Barrett on terrorist ass at, oh, three miles away!

Schwing!

You've got lead! Here, let me help you pull that .50 caliber slug out of your sand “African — American” ass...Oh, I'm sorry, you don't HAVE an ass anymore!

My only problem with this movie is that it couldn't decide whether it wanted to be a documentary or a purely fictitious story. What you get — is a combination of both — which causes it to become disjointed at times. Yes, very much like this review.

And spare me the Blair Witch Project camera work —fuck!

Hey Hollywood, it's called a gyro stablizer!

Do you want me to puke on the old geezer in front of me? He might be a war vet.

On the other hand — it may just be Old Dan Geezer — and even though he looks aged enough to have fought in Korea — that is just from the number of ‘love of his life’ strippers and Shipley’s Donuts’ attendants that have ripped his still beating heart from between his man boobs!! Or maybe, if he would spend more time attending to this god — forsaken website — perhaps Old Dan could get a higher grade stripper that DOESN’T have a coin — belt attached to her g — string.

OK, Already!! Here is the fucking Wal — Mart story…

I bought said gyro— stabilizer at Wal— Mart a couple of weeks ago thanks to a nice fella named Haji. But it turns out the red, white and blue – Made in the USA sticker — when pealed off — revealed that it was actually made by a quite industrious 10— year old in Malaysia. If he could be trained to write a half — ass review — maybe we could bring him on — board to take some of this overly — demanding, mind — numbing work load off of my ass.

I know…back to the movie. As The Hurt Locker prattled on —I kept wishing for an Improvised Point Device (IPD). I found myself constantly scanning my watch — 5, 6,7 times — looking for a point to this over — hyped motion picture. You see —just because the movie isn’t a left — winged propagandized vision of the incompetence of the military — doesn’t mean there is a point.

A bomb can explode or implode — much like a movie.
It can be a loud and impressive sight.
But — the former hits its target and makes an impact.
The latter collapses in upon itself and disperses in countless directions.

Another note to Dan Cedar: I think you should pick up one of those bomb suits they use in the movie. It would minimize your ER visits to have buckshot removed from your Hank Hill ass after your nightly peeping escapades.

Anyway, I have to get back to my overly obsessive pubic shorning….

And for the last time — Old Dan — No Trespassing means you!!