THE READER - Aka...Hot Illiterate 36 Year Old Nazi Fraulein Seduces Clueless Teenage Boy for Bedtime Stories and Fulfillment of Oedipus Complex

Thirty six year old Hanna Schmitz can’t read. Fifteen year old Michael Berg has hepatitis. Both live in post WWII Germany. They meet by coincidence on the tram that Hanna conducts. After Michael blows chunks, Hanna cleans him up and sends him on his way. Once recovered, Michael returns to Hanna’s apartment to personally thank her for the motherly assistance. She in turn thanks him by sending him to get coal. Something tells me she’s used this pick-up line before. When Michael returns looking like Bert in Mary Poppins, Hanna tells him to get in the bath. Seduction follows. Reading of classic literature follows. Hepatitis is contracted. Lather, rinse, repeat. It’s refreshing to see that Kate Winslet has floppy boobs and stretch marks.

The affair and bedtime stories continue un-detected and un-punished by society and the police because, apparently, it’s every fifteen year old boy’s fantasy to fuck a smoking hot Nazi Cougar. Especially one who lashes out at him due to her raging Nazi guilt and the illiteracy she keeps to herself (in spite of the fact that she was somehow able to lease her own apartment and keep various jobs post-WWII). Finally, and I mean FINALLY, Hanna decides to split and Michael is left clueless, but sad now, his willy and bookmark hanging in the wind.
Fast-forward eight years. Michael is a law student who observes a war crimes trial for class. He pays more attention to the perky stack on a fellow female law student than he does to the trial. That is until Hanna Schmitz is called to testify. Turns out she was a prison guard who locked 300 Jewish women in a church to die during the bombing and evacuation of her camp. Her defense is that she was only doing her job. Michael can’t relate the Sex and Literature-starved Hanna he knew to the old, heartless moron he sees on trial. Hanna is dog- piled by the other female prison guards who are also on trial and because she is still, STILL, at forty- four years old, ashamed about her illiteracy, she makes a fake confession about being the head guard. She’s convicted to wash Big Bertha’s back for twenty years.

Fast-forward to Michael’s middle age and Hanna’s gray hair. Michael tapes himself reading classic literature and sends the tapes to Hanna in jail. Hanna checks out the corresponding books from the prison library and teaches herself to read. It’s a true Christmas Miracle. Hanna’s release date approaches. Michael reluctantly agrees to help her find employment and a roof over her head. The audience is grossed out by the thought of Michael and Hanna getting it on post-release date. Michael shows up to retrieve Hanna on the fateful release day, only to be told that she decided to use some books as a stool to end it all with a noose a few hours earlier. Michael is still dumb, but even sadder now, and he decides to donate Hanna’s savings to a Jewish illiteracy charity. Oh the irony of it all.

I’ll admit, I got teary eyed at the end of this Fraulein/Fancy Pants saga, but that was only because I got popcorn butter in my eye.

The Morrigan