By Ian Specter - Posted on 13 June 2014

(Washington D.C.) CNN anchor and host of the prime-time weekend edition of CNN Newsroom and Log Cabin Republican, Don Lemon, conducted an exclusive interview with Washington Redskins owner, Daniel Snyder, where Snyder “came out of the closet” and admitted that he had been on a drinking and marijuana binge, since fifty U.S. Senators called for the Washington Redskins to change their racially charged name. Snyder was joined on the set of CNN by longtime bowling buddy, and confidant, Walter Sobchak.

Reporter Don Lemon began the interview, “Mr. Snyder, we have learned that you want to say something very important to America. Is it true that you have finally decided to change the name of your football team?”

An agitated Sobchak interrupted, “Fuck you, Donny!! Dan Snyder will not be your or America’s punching bag anymore. Going forward, you will refer to him as the Dude. And YOU WILL speak to him with RESPECT!! AND NOT LIKE SOME FUCKING NIHILIST!!”

Feeling the tension rise, reporter Don Lemon leaned in and spoke softly and directly to the unkempt owner of the Redskins, who was dressed in a robe and sandals. “Dude, is it true? And if so, why?”

Sobchak again became agitated, “DID SOMEONE TELL DAVINCI TO ‘GET OFF THE FUCKING CEILING’ WHEN HE WAS PAINTING HIS MASTERPIECE? This is NOT NAM!! THERE ARE RULES HERE, DONNY!! DO NOT STEP ACROSS THAT LINE!! Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one who cares about the rules?”

The Dude, trying to diffuse the situation says, “Yeah man, it’s true.” Sipping on a White Russian and hiking his right leg up on the chair. “I’m gonna change it.”

The reporter continued, “What will the new name be, Dude?”

Drinking and smiling, The Dude said, “I don’t know, Man. I’m toying with a couple of ‘em. I kind went out to dinner with a lady friend of mine the other night. We were having Mexican. I thought she was cool. She’s a redhead. She gets wound up and kind of gets wild and, umm, starts talking with her hands.”

“I don’t know man, we were debating, you know, whether is it better to just admit you’re a pacifist or keep drawing red lines in the sand, and ya know…looking like a fucking pussy, instead of sayin’, ya know, FUCK THIS…ya know, this won’t stand. Or, whatever…Anyway, my, ummm, ya know…my date, or
whatever, starts stomping up and down in this totally insane, way. And it got ugly…Donny, I know we’ve got this whole gay thing goin’ on in the NFL this Year, so I don’t know if you’ve caught up yet?”

“But, ya know when there’s an incomplete pass…what the ref does?”

The reporter *rolls eyes*…”Yes, Dude.”

Dude says, “Okay, so, my lady friend starts waving her arms like that and she catches this Tejano fella…is that the preferred nomenclature? A Mexican guy? Yeah, that’s okay, right? A Mexican is a good thing. So, my date knocks down the damn Mexican to the ground, which ya know, man,Uh…unfortunately spills my fucking drink and my fucking salsa.”

“So, she’s a human paraquat…And…um… I am just starting to lose my buzz and, ya know…this throws me into a fit of rage.”

“Mind you, this was prior to my adhering to a strict drug regimen in order to not become uptight in my thinking and keep my mind, ya know…limber. So, I guess Old Dan Snyder was…ya know… was kind of a dick and I said, like, ‘hey what are ya doin’, babe?’”

“And she pipes up….like REAL LOUD, ya know, ‘GET THE WETBACK, GET THE WETBACK!!’”

“And I’m thinking, what did the fucking Mexican do to make this fucking mess? I mean, I’m sorry babe. This one’s on YOU!!”

“Ya know…incomplete pass!!”

“And then she starts in with ‘Jeffrey, Jeffrey. You misunderstand!’”

“And I’m thinking…who the fuck is Jeffrey? I AM ‘THE DUDE’, Maude and you need to compensate the Mexicans for your full-body, dry-heave that fucked up their carpet!!

And She says, “Jeffrey, I was saying ‘Get the Wet Vac, Get the Wet Vac!! You know… to clean up that carpet. It really ties the dining room together!!”

“And man, it’s like a dream. I order us another couple of drinks while Mexicans are tidying up the carpet. And, ummm, ya know, it’s like Zen…man.”

“I’m goin’ to name my football team the Washington Wet Vacs!!”

“And, ya know, like…poof…no controversy. I mean who doesn’t appreciate a good Wet Vac, man?

“I mean,” The Dude pulling out a doobie, says…”Ya mind? Can you imagine FedEx Field rocking with our new fight song, man? ‘Hail to the Wet Vacs!!’ Fucking...Zen, man!!”

CNN interviewer Don Lemon reasserts himself, “Mr. Snyder, I mean Dude, “Why did it take so long for you to come out with this? You said that you would NEVER change the name of the Redskins!!

The Dude says, “Fuck Man…what do you want out of me?”

Walter interjects, “Excuse me…it’s religious freedom. Are you an anti-semite, Don? Are you and your commie pals here at CNN in need of an FCC hearing? Ted Turner and you CNN rich fucks!! This whole fucking thing - - I did not watch my buddies die face down in the muck, so that THIS fucking nut strumpet…"
(Elaborately clears throat and crosses arms) "Cause….WE WILL go to the Fair and Balanced station..if you’re gonna fuck us over and make us look like nuts with your pinko disinformation editing."

The Dude interrupts, “Walter…Walter…Well, Umm, ya know, I just don’t see any connection to Viet Nam or communism...Walter.

Walter looks to reporter Don Lemon and says, “Why did it take us so long to make this decision? Shomer Shabbos!! Does that mean anything to you, MR. College Graduate?”

“Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don’t work, I don’t drive a car, I don’t fucking ride in a car, I don’t handle money, and I, sure as shit *don’t blow fucking Roger Goodell*. Look at our current situation with that camel fucker over in Syria. Pacifism is not something to hide behind. If we get a chance to nuke those towel heads back to the time of Moses, by God, we should do it.”

Walter continues, “:And when did The Dude call me? Late Friday night!!

“Sorry Dude, Shomer Shabbos!! I didn’t pick up my messages until I woke up this (Sunday) morning and we’re here NOW.”

Walter turns his attention to reporter Lemon, “But YOU aren’t happy with The Dude’s new name for his football team, are you, Donny?”

“Maybe you’d be happy with a rainbow on the side of the football helmets and we could just call them the Washington Fucking Magical Unicorn Fucks!!

With that, the Dude and Walter Sobchak got up and began to exit the interview.

Don Lemon said, “Hey wait just a minute, How about a more traditional football name…Like The Eagles!!”

The Dude looked at Donny and said, ““Well, that’s just, ya know, like, your opinion, man.”

Walter *shaking head*, “Forget it Donny. You’re out of your element. You’re entering a world of pain!!”

Dude speaking, “Look man, I’ve just had a bad day and, umm…besides they already have, ya know,… a team in Philadelphia, ya know…named the Eagles!!”

The Dude exited the CNN Studios in an agitated manner, “AND BESIDES…......I FUCKING HATE THE EAGLES!!”

“Fuck these Commies, Dude! Let’s Roll!!”

*If you don't know that this was used with poetic license from one of the great american movies...The Big Lebowski...please don't come back to the website. MORON. All credit goes to Coen and Coen. Except for the rest.

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