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By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 01 March 2014

All right...enough of my hemming and hawing. The Oscars are this weekend and it’s time to rectumfy the wheat from the chaff. I don’t want to get on a rant, but this was the year we lost the great King Hippo…and well, you know the way you latter day hippies feel about losing Philip Seymour Hoffman, well that’s the way I feel about losing the great King Hippo…and he wasn’t even a junkie! Of course…he dabbled.

2013 brought us some really great movies; some were rightly pointed out by the Academy Awards voters and some were overlooked. There might be a good reason for this, here “coincidental”. Most of the really good movies were released in the last tres leches of the year. I don’t know what the reasoning is, but it’s probably a damned conspiracy that will one day be examined with the vigor that we now try to assuage our anger with the over-redundant JFK assassination redux.

Not that I really mind that, I enjoy a plethora of nutbars trying to figure out the unfigurable.

Which brings me to Old Dan Cedar’s Worst Movies of 2013

It was a really good year for movies for the most part. But…when they were bad, they sucked giant horse cock. And not in a good way…like that Traci Lords did back in the 1980s.

1) Gravity – The worst movie of the year!! How this lighter than air, hunk of horse shit didn’t get released straight to DVD and actually got nominated for an Academy Fucking Award, is beyond the miniscule synapses firing off in Old Dan Cedar’s tiny little brain. I will only reel off a few of the problems with the movie.

The Faux Traci Lords is played by that hot little piece of tail Sandra Bullock (Imagine pitching this to a Hollywood producer), plays Dr. Stone (Yeah, I know, Doctor, pretty funny), who is an Astronaut (now the guffaw’s start to begin). Her sidekick is the brutally handsome astronaut (as they all are) George Clooney. They are on a space walk from The Space Shuttle, and although this is in the future, the wooden mock-up that currently sits at Space Center Houston has obviously been resurrected into the future of space exploration.

Well, one thing leads to another and a Russian satellite crashes into the International Space Station. Clooney dies to save Sandra Fucking Bullock, so she can win an Academy Award. Bullock's astronaut has been so-mistrained in her six months with NASA, that she starts incessantly panting and talking herself through by saying, in a whining little voice, I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die, about a million times, in under two hours.

She eventually makes her way to what’s left of the Soyuz and then to a Chinese rocket. I guess this is when we figure this is really supposed to be going on in the future, because the Chinese, at this writing, can’t put a trained actor in space, much less, the great Sandra Bullock.

Dr. Ryan finally gets her shit together when she starts thinking about her dead kid. Yeah, I think that’s how the guys on Apollo 13 got back to earth…panic, hyperventilate, have a nice ass, float from one spaceship that doesn’t exist anymore…in space anyway, to another three, while vascilating thinking about their dead kid. What was she trained to do? Oh yeah, panic, talk incessantly about how scared she is, and hope like hell we can get her hot piece of tail to land in a rice paddy, so she doesn’t have to swim very far before we can one last look at her tight ass as she walks to land.

Sandra, you may now collect your $70 Million salary and act surprised when you don’t win the Best Actress Oscar on Sunday…to someone that sucked worse than you…Cate Blanchett in Blue Jasmine. Who, by the way, whined her way through every scene about how she was the unluckiest woman in the world. Sound familiar?

2) Oz: The Great and Powerful – In this prequel to The Wizard of Oz, James ‘Bernie Madoff’ Franco preens and prisses his way from somewhere in Kansas to Oz, where he convinces this group of midgets and myriad of other idiots to believe that at the end of a piss-covered road, that he’s NOT just a bad magician, but the fucking Wizard of Oz…who, anyone? Any fucking one?

This little dipshit is their savior that they’ve been waiting on for years. See, that’s what you get for worshiping false idols.

Apparently the makers of this movie, having seen the success of Wicked, decided to re-bastardize this once great idea and hand it over to the tobacco stained, grinning, witless James Fucking Franco. Oh, and political correctness has not only come to America, but to the Land of Fucking Oz.

I, personally, don’t remember any African-Ozians in the first movie. But, loah and be-fucking hold, they have arrived in the prequel. I guess the next movie will explain the ethnic cleansing that went on prior to Judy Garland picking up every vagrant, hitch hiker on her way to teaching us a lesson about how we have everything that we need to succeed already inside of us. Except maybe some stiff booze and barbiturates…right Judy?

3) Diana – This sordid little tale is about this whore (played by Naomi Watts) that is always whining about something. The beloved Princess Diana. She, of the plastered in Paris on a concrete abutment. She doesn’t have to work. She doesn’t have to raise her kids. She just wants to fuck every Persian in the world before she dies.

This movie meanders in so many directions, just like the little pea-brained princess, who wants to wave to her moronic adoring fans by day and transform into a wanna be street walker at night. Kidding. That sounds much more interesting than this movie actually is. She wants to get rid of land mines, get a lot of press, invite the paparazzi when she wants attention and hire a drunk driver to speed her ass away from them, when she is sick of it. If you thought the real Princess Di was shallow, just wait until Naomi gets her in the kiddie pool. Guaranteed….YOU WILL LAUGH OUT LOUD at the complete incompetence of this movie. The product of 1000 years of in-breeding amongst the royals.

4) Inequality For All – What do you call it when one person says one thing, but means another? Oh yeah, Lying. Or Socialism. Or Both. Robert Reich, the former Labor Secretary of his good buddy Bill Clinton, spends the better part of two hours trying to convince us in this “documentary” that he may be shorter than the rest of us, but that he is also possessed with a massive brain that allows him to see that it is good and natural for us, not to just give our money to the poor, but to give it to our omniscient, incompetent federal government to redistribute our money to the folks that really need it. Now if you can get past that little shell-brain game, then, now folks, we can get down to this movie’s message in one sentence. You see - the redistribution of wealth is not Socialism. It is…in fact Capitalism.

I am going to give you a math test and see if you pass. One Midget plus A Socialist plus Trust the Leaders of our Country (they will never steer you the wrong way and my last name is REICH)…equals A) Naïve Dolts B) Adolf Hitler C) The complete and utter opposite of the way this country has thrived for over two hundred years. In other words, as Penn Jillette would say, “BULLSHIT!” This is not a documentary. This is propaganda. Good luck with Mein Kampf II, little man.

5) The Hunger Games: Catching Fire – This movie is so contrived and idiotic, I will explain it by way of a metaphor. We all know that sequels are kind of dicey to begin with. They’re like trying to re-create that perfect girl you used to sit behind in 6th grade. You know every inch of her face, where her cute little mole is (just like Marilyn Monroe), and you melt every time she smiles at you. Except now, you’re in 7th grade, and she has moved away. And there is this great, new girl, with exceptional summer-grown tits, a great smile, and an awesome fake tan. I hope you rot in Hell, Cheryl Wilson.

Sure, she’s a little overweight, but halfway through the year you hear her talking to a friend in the hall and she says that she’s sick of being fat, and now she’s only going to chew gum. She’s not eating shit going forward. But you still have a major crush on her and not just because of her smile and fake tan, but you can never forget about those tan titties that you have never even seen.

And then…you get up the nerve to make some small talk in the hall with her while she’s getting books, just before going to her next class. And she asks for you to grab an extra book from the locker for her. Then she slams your head in her locker and says, “Stay Away From Me You Creep!!” And you go back to every high school reunion for the next thirty years hoping that she will show up, but she never does, because she’s a fat piece of shit that finally got sick of just eating gum.

Then you decide that she’s the second Hunger Games movie and the first girl was the first Hunger Games movie. And the First One was good. And the second looked really good, but when it came down to it…just really whipped your ass.

Which brings me to Old Dan Cedar’s Best Movies of 2013

1) Nebraska – This movie kind of snuck up on me. I only watched it three days ago. Hell, I already had my top 5. Why the fuck did I even decide to download this movie? It was probably because I heard an interview that the usually overacting Bruce Dern did with Terry Gross on NPR’s Fresh Air. At the end of the interview, Dern told Gross that it was the best interview that he had ever had. I found it so sincere, and Gross was so flattered by it.

Watching this movie amounted to a Pity Fuck. I was going to fuck Bruce Dern just because he was so damned nice. And I was going to do it, not by sticking my dick in his ass, but by downloading his movie on, of all things that I hate, iTunes. I was gonna fuck Bruce Dern for $13.99. In Standard Definition, of course. This WAS a pity fuck for Christ’s sake.

And the damndest thing happened. I enjoyed every part of this road movie that Dern takes with his son from Big Sky Country to Nebraska. Where he grew up. It reminded me of my dad and our switching father/son roles. It reminded me of the crazy shit he would do at the assisted living home.

They would call me and, just like my school principal would say to my parents when I was in sixth grade, “You need to get down here…you won’t believe what he has done today.” And I would get to the assisted living apartment and would ask him, “Dad, why did you put a glass of urine out in front of your apartment.” Now, my father who was an ex- cop, explained it simply to me. “Well, I thought they might want to do a drug test on me.”

And, if you hadn’t before, THIS is when you finally realize that YOU are the adult and YOU are in charge. And now is the time to take care of him, the same way he took care of you when he wasn’t drunk.

And that’s about as crazy and unpredictable as Nebraska is. Hilarious. Uncomfortable. Unforgettable. And then hope springs into your little Dan Cedar pea brain. June Squibb is perfectly crude and funny as Dern’s wife. Maybe Nebraska will be remembered as a great movie and not just a shitty Bruce Springstein album.

Anyway, at the very least, it fucked up my top 5 movies. And then god said to Old Dan…”There will be 6 – you lazy fuck!!”

2) August: Osage County – If you would have asked me prior to watching this movie, your wise old sage and movie reviewer, Dan Cedar, would have said that I would pay good money to take a crap on the neck of the most overrated actress of all time. One Meryl Streep. And if I could do it prior to her making another ‘chick flick’, then all the better. Too late. Streep is brilliant as an out of control, drug and drink addled mother. Quick to fly off the handle and quicker to pop a little happy pill when it all gets to be too much.

When I read movie reviews, several things can give me a big, red flag up my ass. Reading the reviews of this movie, it was the egg-headed reviewers, once again, trying to compare a book to a movie of the same Title, Characters and Story. I will give you this, because I don’t have enough time to read anymore damned books in my life…If you haven’t read August: Osage County the book, then sit down, for some dark humor, wit and well-written and acted characters. You will truly be satisfied. And it won’t take you near as long as it would to have read the whole damned book. I would just as soon take an Old Dan crap on that book right about now.

3) American Hustle – After I watched this movie, I told my wife, “That’s the best movie I will see this year.” So, just because I have it in the three hole, is no disrespect. It’s just that there were so many really good movies late this year. American Hustle is a loosely based story by the FBI called ABSCAM in the late 1970s and early 80s.The story is funny enough on its own, but the movie puts it in a slightly alternate universe.

American Hustle always kept me guessing and, since you aren’t as smart as I am, it will DEFINITELY keep YOU guessing. It’s well written and acted. Amy Adams is sexy and smart as hell. Christian Bale is almost unrecognizable with the 50 extra pounds and comb over.

Old Dan will see it again. If not the movie…the comb over. For sure…

4) Muscle Shoals – You will hear a lot about a movie called 20 Feet from Stardom, which will win the Best Documentary on Sunday night. I saw both films and Muscle Shoals is, far and away, the better movie.

Unlike most documentaries of today’s ilk, Muscle Shoals simply wants to tell a story, not make a political or ethical statement. That gets harder to do every year. Muscle Shoals follows first one, then a second, musical studio on the shores of Muscle Shoals, Alabama. Tons of interviews with fantastic artists that recorded there. Produced hits there. And developed some magic music from great black and white artists of the 1960s and 70s.

If you like music. I guarantee that you will love this movie. It gave me hope that future music won’t suck quite near as hard as today’s music does. Of course, I still believe in the tooth fairy.

5) Before Midnight – The 3rd movie in a trilogy that follows Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy and is directed by Richard Linklater. The first of these movies starts out when the two stars meet by happenstance on a train in Europe as young college students. I always thought these movies had great potential. The romantic leads have great chemistry and intelligent dialogue is written for them and by them. But the first two fell short for me. Before Midnight follows their relationship into their 40s and a lot that comes with that aging.

The only off-putting thing in this movie is the unabashed pretentiousness. The characters are literate, lefty lucys. But they pull back from that, just when it’s getting a little nauseating - and admit they are pretentious. You won’t see that in a Woody “Rock the Cradle of Love” Allen movie.

Sit on your ass and watch it with your current bed partner. Funny, Sardonic and Romantic. Yep and that faint noise you hear in the background is Old Dan Crier.

Right now I am flying to Boston with some kind of fucking dog squealing the entire way. And it’s killing my Crying Game. Fucking DOG PEOPLE. YOU KNOW…THEY AREN’T FUCKING PEOPLE!!! FOR GOD’S SAKE. It’s okay, the passengers around me are going to charge this fucking Muslim dog. We have a plan. I HAVE A POT OF HOT COFFEE AND A BOWIE KNIFE…LET’S ROLL!!

6) We Steal Secrets: The Story of WikiLeaks – Another fine, even handed documentary that is aimed at getting the truth around WikiLeaks leader Julian Assange, his co-horts and the people aiming to hunt him down and bring him to justice. We also get insight into the little cross-dressing U.S. Army freak Bradley Manning, who stole many of the classified documents for WikiLeaks.

There is no black and white here. There is no Michael ‘Fat, Fucking Idiot’ Moore agenda. But there is plenty of information from which you can form your own opinions. What a novel fucking idea. Think for yourself. Or do I have to do that for you?

Since all of the movies were released so late this year, I didn’t get a chance to see all of them, much less review all of them. I fell asleep during my first viewing of Gravity, and that seemed to work out well when I saw the entire…Shittiest Movie Of The Year. I also fell asleep in my first viewing of 12 Years a Slave. But, the first 45 minutes came nowhere close to being as the incompetent Sandra ‘Rocket Science’ Bullock. I will probably give it another shot.

And lastly, I just want to give a couple of shout outs. We lost some great talent since the last Oscars: James Gandolfini, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Harold Ramis.

To paraphrase what Dan Aykroyd said on his Facebook post about his close friend, Ramis. “May you all find the answers you’ve been looking for…like, If gay marriage is legal, then why isn’t polygamy?”

Like I said…it’s a paraphrase.

Old Dan Cedar

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