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MAMA - ...Now You Know Why So Many Kids Are Fucked Up In Our Society

By King Hippo - Posted on 21 May 2013

If you are offended by every review that I do…I would kindly suggest that you assemble that pile of tampons that you have had stenching up my bathroom counter for the past two years, and wheel barrow them out to the U-Haul that awaits you outside the palatial estates of your humble reviewer and Monarch of Mayhem, King Hippo.  This ain’t gonna be pretty sista!!

I was actually seeing this movie just for the sheer pleasure of it.  I kind of like Guillermo del Toro's nightmarish, mystical style of film making the way Dan Cedar likes "no condom" gay porn.  

I mean, who can argue with the greatness that is: Hellboy, Hellboy II and Kung Fu Panda II.  I can’t wait to see his reimagined take on his soon to be released Pinocchio.  And white racists say it’s impossible to find a good Mexican film maker.  Hey, if you don’t like it, Shep Smith has some BREAKING NEWS on Fox…idiots.

The other reason I felt the need to review this flick is that it stars - once again, Dan Cedar's dream hottie, Jessica Chastain. On a more somber note, JENNIFER Chastain does not appear in this flick.  

 The movie revolves around a pair of sisters who were presumed killed when their suicidal/homicidal father whisked them away one morning after killing the girls' mother, only to veer off an ice covered mountain highway and disappear into the forest.  They survived the crash but as the distraught father is about to murder the eldest daughter, a shadowy figure yanks him into the darkness and kills him.  Apparently, this is the ghost of a mentally deranged woman whose own baby was taken from her while she was a resident of a turn of the century catholic mental institution which was located nearby.  When the sisters are finally rescued, the ghostly "mama" follows them home.  And the fun begins.

Apparently, "mama" never knew what happened to her infant baby after she committed suicide. And because of this, she is killing everyone in her path who tries to "steal" the girls away from her.  Hmmm, all this over a dead baby?  

Apparently "mama" wasn't a Democrat.  Apparently, "mama" isn't aware of her abortion rights.  Apparently, "mama" isn't familiar with Kermit Gosnell M.D., the black abortion doctor of Philly who has killed more African Americans than the KKK has over the last 200 years.  Apparently, "mama" wasn't a welfare crack ho who pimped out her 6 year old daughter for drugs.

Am I the only one that is baffled by the movies Hollywood puts out?  

And, I was also informed by Lady Spamalot that this movie is actually Canadian-Spanish (hello, Oxymoron), not Hollywood made.  To which, your humble reviewer and judger in chief, King Hippo responds, "FUCK YOU SPAM!  YOU'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO RAIN ON MY PARADE WITH YOUR NITPICKY IRRELEVANT CRITICISMS OF MY BRILLIANT WRITING!"

My retort - PPFFFTTT!!

Bend over, have another shot of blue Agave and think REAL HARD.  Next time you actually FINISH a movie review, just make sure that it’s better than that “Eat, Pray, Queef” pile of shit that you wrote, some two years ago.  

And NO…you aren’t getting internet access.

Now get back in the greenhouse basement and make me some more of that Mexican Ganja…you sexy mama!!  Then, put on my favorite eight track, “What Once Were Vices Are Now Habits”, and let me drift away. Apparently, MILK IS NOT A GOOd CHOICE !!!

If it’s good…then I will let you out of your leg irons to watch the Indians game tonight.  But tell that little six year old ankle biter to keep her yapper shut.  

As a reminder, my brothers are coming over tonight.  If I hear so much so much as a peep…YOU AREN’T GETTING OUT OF THE CELLAR FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS!!!

Three Naybobs

Joe "King" Carrasco

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